For centuries, the church has been the moral compass in many areas of life. people actually looked up to the church. in fact, they still do and that would be great if the church was still upholding her part of the deal. why did i put it like that? well, let’s see. for starters, it is in the church that we have the highest cases of tribalism and nepotism and say tribalism. This is where you find the people in positions of leadership are not there because of merit, they are there because someone upstairs knows them and I am not talking about God. they are there because someone created a non existent position for them, they are there because someone overlooked everyone else with the requirements for the position and went for that person that comes from the same village as them. And you know the worst bit of it all is that this person probably doesn’t need that job get it, it’s like a side thing for them. Now how different is this from the corporate? I don’t see the difference at all because i have heard of similar stories from people seeking for jobs in the corporate world and I ask myself if this is where the church has gotten to. Okay you think that is it? I still have more, cases of sexual immorality combined with molestation of children in the church by the church. the annoying bit! the church actually covers them up. Yes when a priest, a pastor, a deacon, a church elder or anyone with a ‘position’ rapes or sodomizes a child the church is quick to cover it up, the church is quick to reprimand the victims of abuse, they are told that the devil is using them to frustrate God’s work. why is the church burying everything in the sand? why can’t the church address this issue? why can’t the perpetrators be stripped of their positions and punished for their wrong?, Why, by remaining quiet is the church giving the perpetrator the perfect cover and opportunity to traumatize even more children? you forget that your children go to the same churches! Yeah! let that sink in for a while! The church is quick to say, ‘Touch ye not the anointed of the Lord’. forgetting that the Lord does not identify with anything contrary to his word. What about when the pastor sleeps with a dozen of the women in church? why are we quick to say it was the devil? why doesn’t he get the same punishment he metes out to the members serving in ministry when they are caught in a similar situation? Why does the church cover for the pastor?. If the church can not speak out against this evil, then who will? if the church cannot condemn this abomination then who will the abused look to for counsel? Hey I still have more! what about corruption? does the church not lead in this vice? do people not pay to meet some men of God? Aren’t people manipulated into relinquishing the rights to their property only for their pastor’s to take charge? Does the church not host politicians to speak at the pulpit, the same politicians that have stolen billions of shillings from the people? Do the leaders say anything about this vice when faced with the opportunity? of course they don’t! they need to be in the ‘good graces’ of the politicians and as such will never reprimand them. Nine times out of ten it is because they also receive that same money. so there is no way on this earth the Church will speak out. what do we have to say about the lack of transparency? we tithe, give offerings and pledges but most times if not all do not get to see what that money is doing, or do we? I mean we see them driving posh cars, we see them buying land and finally building mansions all at our expense because you would expect maybe that money would go to help those struggling to make ends meet in the church, or even go to charity! Should we talk about the cliques in church? you know, the ones where you find people discriminate each other based on how they are dressed or even their class. Yes I am talking about the church, it has become so normal that no one even addresses it. ironically, this is the place where one should not have to worry about their dress being too old or the fact that they only have one pair of shoes because believe it or not, this does happen and people are gossiped about and made laughing stocks. this cliques make it their business to meddle in people’s business just so they have the upper hand. But they can never help you even when in dire need. so I ask yet again, Is the church setting the right example? So next time someone tells you of the pain the church has put them through, do not be so quick to disregard them. The church needs to go back to the basics and play their role. The church needs to rise up! When I speak of the church, I specifically mean the people, the christians and not the building because the building is not the one doing all the above and more now, is it? It starts with us.
Do you know your child? Have you spent time with them? Infact have you met them?
So I’m seated in the house minding my own business on a particular day and I can hear the kids playing. (I don’t have one yet) so these are my neighbors’ kids. Let me tell you the words these kids are spewing are enough to make the pope blush. I’m not kidding! And the more I listened, the more I discovered there are two categories of children. The first category are the influencers. You know the ones encouraging and even dishing their obscenities to the influenced, now these(the influenced) are the ones actually passing the message. Stay with me. Let me give you an example, the influencer mentions a word and tells the influenced this is what to say next and guess what! that is exactly what was happening. So you find a child using words they don’t even understand, What am I getting to? Parents do not know their children anymore, they do not monitor their activities or even get to know the friends their children are spending time with and as a result we have a rotten generation. Most parents on the other hand pass down some of this behavior.You know like getting drunk senseless and then getting vulgar in the presence of your child. This tells your child that it is okay to spew these words after all mum and dad use them all the time and they don’t seem to mind. So why can’t I use them? Do you forget that as a parent you are your child’s role model? Well that’s what happens when you do. Parents need to be active in their children’s lives, they need to engage actively with their kids and even ask them questions about their friends.. better yet once in a while when your child is playing listen in to their conversations if you’re within ear shot and what you hear will give you an idea to who your child is when he or she is with his or her peers. And hey! while you are at it, teach your children that it is not okay to insult anyone even when they have a misunderstanding. Better yet teach them to always call out the children who are vulgar. If possible keep your children far from them. It is for their own good. I have a neighbor with three boys but she makes sure she knows exactly who her children are playing with, and yes you guessed it, when those kids that swear like sailors are within reach, her children get to play indoors. Someone might ask why not confront the child and even take the matter to their parents? Well some parents seriously don’t care and I have witnessed that and if we were to be honest, some of you have observed that too. So if you are faced with a parent that doesn’t remotely care what their child does while outdoors then you as the responsible parent should take charge because these are the same people we shall have in leadership some day and we don’t want one with a sewer for a mouth either. We also have those that are too mature for their age. You know what I mean(wink). So your kids start asking you weird questions, or telling you funny stories and you are very sure they are not anywhere near puberty. Curiosity maybe? And finally, some times that kid with a sailor’s mouth is yours. At times they are the ones that other parents are warning their children about. So do make sure you know your child. Discipline them when you should or have to and let them learn that some behavior is not acceptable regardless of the situation. Train and Tame your child while you still can.
For so long I have asked myself why we have so many women in abusive relationships and or even marriages and why on earth do they stay? Why do they defend their abusers as though their life depends on it? Well, wonder no more, I finally got it!
You see, these women suffer from a syndrome called the Battered woman syndrome. Yeah it is a real thing by the way, all you have to do is ask any psychologist and they will confirm it to you. So what is this syndrome you may ask? Simply put it is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder in which the abused feels as though they are weak, they lose hope and basically start believing that they actually deserve whatever they are going through. They are a point at which they think they did something wrong and therefore blame themselves for all their partners’ bad behavior.
Yeah so this is not a new thing because I am sure a huge percentage of us have seen a movie or two where a woman is beaten senseless but when the police come to her rescue it becomes ‘a misunderstanding’. You have even at one point called this woman stupid if you were to be honest, I mean, I have, not once, not twice but in my excuse it was coming from a place of ignorance. So I’m just going to lay it down for you. These women need help, these women are struggling with a disorder and it is mental and if they don’t get out of there like yesterday, we are going to be dealing with statistics.
A woman being abused goes through the following stages; denial, guilt, enlightenment and responsibility.
So the husband hits her the first time and she goes into denial, I can’t believe he did that? He said he loves me? It was definitely a misunderstanding! See what she is doing there is that she is already making excuses on his behalf. She then goes into the guilt mode, what happens here is that she blames herself for the beating, she looks for a ‘mistake’ and says that the man was actually well within his right to beat her senseless because she was in the wrong. Oh it gets better! The husband now has her where he wants her and so he comes back acting all sweet and promising sweet nothings, getting her gifts and with an apology drafted from the moon and yes you guessed it she takes him back! He even blames it on the devil who wants to come between such a wonderful union anointed by the Lord himself. But then the cycle continues and she finally gets enlightened, it’s like a light bulb suddenly goes off and she starts thinking straight because now she asks herself what she is doing with such a person? Why she is still holding on. She even realizes that the man seriously has a problem and she is not responsible for it. You know an abusive man will put you down jut to feel better because usually he is struggling from low self-esteem. Now we have a woman who won’t settle for less but then it is like something is holding her back because she just doesn’t up and leave, no she stays a little while longer until she takes responsibility and finally decides to leave because if she does not, she will eventually only that this time, she may actually leave in a body bag! Don’t get me wrong though because some women reach the fourth stage but are still unable to leave and so she finally rests because she could not let go.
So you see, she was not necessarily there because she did not have the option to run but it is because she is so damaged mentally that she cannot think beyond the house she is in. The best way to deal with an abusive partner is to nip the behavior at the bud meaning the first time he hits should also be the last time he has access to you as an individual because once you give him a pass it becomes a habit.
Next time you see a friend or an acquaintance holding on to the man that treats her like ‘poop’ don’t be so quick to judge but rather look for ways to get her out of there because she will, eventually trust me!
We have people who will refuse to get involved and others will even sympathize with the abuse saying the woman probably deserves it and does it come as a shock that 51% of African women actually justify abuse from their spouses and this is according to a report by the World Bank. So frankly speaking, we women are our worst enemies and others endorse it because it happens to them and they don’t even know it is. They even think their spouses own them because they paid dowry for their hand. This is where the problem comes in because as long as we have women vouching for this, it will not be eradicated at all.
I don’t know about you but according to me, self-esteem is knowing when to walk away, it is knowing whether to fight for what you deserve or keep receiving breadcrumbs simply because you do not know your worth. It is being comfortable in your own skin and taking no one’s word for it. Yes! It is when you put on that red dress and rock it because it makes you feel good, not because you want to please anybody. The only person you should be striving to please is you. The rest come after you and not before you. It is knowing when to call it quits. Yes you may not want to know it but relationship wise you need to have enough esteem and self-respect that you know when to take your efforts elsewhere. Trust me it gets better because surprise! When you can’t respect yourself no one will, in fact they will be happy to have treated you the way they did and still are because you keep letting them do that when you could have just walked away. Self-esteem is owning your mistakes and not letting them define you but rather using them as a stepping stone to greater heights. It is believing you can achieve your goals even when all the odds are stacked against you because it is only your opinion that matters here and the way you see yourself affects the way you present yourself to the world. So hey! Why not speak those words of affirmation and remind yourself about them daily? let them become a part of you.
Esteem is going forward even when you don’t have a clue what the future holds because let’s be honest, we never know what the future holds but we still wake up anyway hoping for the best. We still dream of that day when we will own a car, a mansion, get married and even have kids. Of course you need to work toward achieving all these things, you need to give it your all because it’s a dream you hope to fulfill, ultimately if you don’t believe that you can, that you deserve these good things then you won’t get there. One needs to put their best foot forward in order to succeed and that right there is self-esteem and yes you will be faced with many setbacks but the most of all I presume will be fear! Yes you heard that right. Fear if entertained will give you reason to give up. It will tell you that it is a lot of work and that you don’t actually want what you want enough. And if you do not believe in yourself, if you do not have confidence then down the drain your dreams and aspirations will go. So you see, self-esteem is not that bad, if anything, it should be your best friend.
So the next time that little voice inside your head tries to tell you that you are not good enough, kindly extinguish it without giving it a second thought. Next time your boyfriend or girlfriend tells you that you cannot do better remind yourself that indeed you can because they do not get to decide for you. That decision is yours to make and it better be in your best interests. Now don’t get me wrong and go doing things in order to prove others wrong or to prove yourself to them. No no that’s not what this is all about. This is about you. Get that degree, open that business, write that book do whatever it is that you want to do but it should make you happy, it should be you doing this for yourself and not because you want anyone’s approval but because you believe in yourself and you know deep down you deserve that and some.
This is what having self-esteem is. It ensures that you have self-worth, that you know you matter and oh it does ensure that you have dignity.
I spoke about being comfortable in your own skin but let me be a bit specific especially with the ladies who spend hours obsessing about their looks, their body size, their hair you name it. A lady with self-esteem will understand that we are all made differently and that makes us unique. I cannot have the same body like so and so and that is that, I cannot have hair like Edith’s and that is that. When we all understand this principle, we shall love ourselves like no man’s business because we have embraced all our grace and flaws and nothing no one says in the opposite can alter how we feel about ourselves. Yeah I know it’s not easy because I have had my moments but the fulfillment that comes with acceptance is a force to be reckoned! So what if you have a big tummy! Get dressed and rock the world because there is some lady out there that is so skinny she hates herself. And you see those models you see with size 8 and what not! Most of them have to keep up with obnoxious routines just to maintain that and the worst part is that most of them do not even enjoy it. They are selling you a fantasy, they are doing a job and have to get paid and if it were up to most of them, they would be eating all the junk there is in the world. So cut yourself some slack and relax. The beauty with embracing yourself is that you have authority on how others view you because once people realise they can’t prey on your weakness they leave and those that remain accept you just the way you are and you never have to worry about anything.
And hey if you do not like the way you are, say you are fat like me,(I totally love myself by the way) you can always get yourself into a gym but please let it be on your own terms. Let it be because you want to lose weight for health reasons or because you finally want to put on a beautiful dress that you have always had but couldn’t, let it be because you now have the means to maintain the lifestyle you desire but not I repeat, not in order to get accepted by a boyfriend, or to hang out with someone. The decision has to be from you and it has to make you happy. The difference between the two instances is that with one it is something you desire and choose to follow so it is self-esteem, the second scenario on the other hand, you know the boyfriend one actually has to do with low, very low self-esteem because if you are doing something so that ‘the love of your life accepts you’ then he does not love you. Girl! That is your personal bully and you should drop him like a hot potato. Now this dropping him part is self-esteem, very high, in fact it not only means that you love yourself but that you are comfortable in your own skin.
Basically when you are very confident which equates to self-esteem, it means that you can conquer the world. So go ahead and do just that.